I have demons in me.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
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The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
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The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
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