nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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