Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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