His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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