ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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