i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
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My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
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So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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