he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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