oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
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I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
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She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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