my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
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Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
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I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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