I looked at my own cervix.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
