:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
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For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
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Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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