capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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