A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
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he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
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Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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