Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
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Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
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NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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