Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
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We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
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It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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