I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
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He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
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No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
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