this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
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I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
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It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize