Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize