The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
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The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
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How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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