fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
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It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
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I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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