What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize