captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
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I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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