my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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