I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
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i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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