So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
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You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
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There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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