I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize