How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize