My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think a kid would responsible me up
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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