Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
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She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
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While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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