perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
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i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
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You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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