I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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