Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
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Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
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Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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