I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
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I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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