the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
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