i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize