dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
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He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i've created a new STD.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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