I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
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when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
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The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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