lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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