When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
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I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
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I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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