i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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