btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize