you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
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you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
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This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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