Buhtt sex?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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