Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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