Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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