The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
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