why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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