she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize