actually, I'm a sock model
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
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In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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