wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
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I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
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I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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